Poem: How to Ruin a Nation

By Majekodunmi Ebhohon

FIRST,
silence the thinkers.
Call them unpatriotic.
Arrest the ones who read too much
and burn the ones who speak too well.

Next,
make education a myth.
Paint learning as elitist,
cut school budgets like overgrown shrubs,
and reward the boy who cheats
with a ministerial slot.

If anyone asks for jobs,
form a committee.
Name it something hopeful.
Give them lunch.
Never meet again.

Now,
inflate the price of fuel,
but subsidize pilgrimage.
Tax the sweat of the poor,
waive the sins of the rich.

Encourage religion,
but ban conscience.

Build churches beside casinos,
mosques beside slums—
and make all sermons end
with Zakat and Hebrews 13:17.

Divide them.
East against West.
North against South.
Old against Young.
Remind them daily
that unity is expensive.

Import everything:
sanitary pad and toothpick,
salt and leadership.

Sell the power grid to your cousin,
and let darkness become tradition.

When the roads rupture,
blame rain.
When the children die,
blame fate.
When the youths riot,
blame weed.

Then,
fund the loudest ring lights.
Pay girls to jiggle sense away.
Give boys fake chains
and a mic to sell nothing.
Let porn pass as skits,
and skits pass as thought.
Call it content.
Call them creators.
Pay them well
to say nothing well.

Finally,
hold elections.
Buy votes with rice and fists.
Then rig it!

Blame the people.

If they rise,
raise the flag.
Sing the anthem.
Shoot them,
in the interest of peace.

And when the country
starts to spit rust,
say:

“We are the Giant of Africa.”

And smile for the camera.

Rinse and repeat.