CV of the dead politician

By Majekodunmi Oseriemen Ebhohon

AT the funeral of Honourable Chief Dr Prince Senator Sir…
The choir sang.
The crowd wept.
The newspaper headline read:
“A Statesman Sleeps.”

But from the back seat,
a Poet straightened his shirt,
creased like a man who’s been bottling explosion.

The MC saw him rise and panicked:
“No, no. Please—not now.”

But the poet had already stepped forward,
his face calm like a funeral priest,
his fingers tight around a
bloated brown file.

He opened it slowly, like a wound,
and began,
“Since truth has no microphone,
I brought mine.
Listen to the CV of the Dead Politician!”

Name:
Honourable Chief Dr Prince Senator Sir Remember-Me-Well

Education:
BSc in Killmocracy
Master’s in Deflection
PhD in Looting
Honourary Doctorate in Blame-Shifting
Advanced Diploma in Crony Capitalism
Certificate in Oppression Management and Disappearism

Alma matters:
Institute of Masses Dissection:
Specializing in the anatomy of public despair
College of Unaccountable Finance:
Graduated First Class in Budget Evaporation
University of Ballot Betrayal:
Major in Voter Suppression and ‘Polliganism’
University of Never My Fault
(formerly Institute of Eternal Excuses)

Worke experience:
Suspended 2 constitutions
Smuggled 3 budgets into private accounts
Smiled on TV during protests
Dodged five indictments
Funded elections with school feeding allocations
Built one borehole… sixteen times.

The priest’s tongue searched for a stubborn phlegm.
The widow whispered: “That’s enough.”

But the poet continued:

Skills:
Expert in issuing condolences,
before learning the names of the dead
Strong believer in his own greatness,
especially when no one else applauds
Fluent in watery promises,
emergency press conferences,
and the national anthem
(during elections only)
Proficient in vanishing during crises,
reappearing with rehearsed rhetoric
Specializes in flag-off ceremonies for roads
last commissioned in 1804
Excellent at quoting patriotism,
as long as it doesn’t involve
his own sweat

References:
All late
Or Dadiyatad
Or behind bars
Or in exile
Or afraid to speak

The mourners froze.
Only the coffin seemed to breathe.

He closed the file and said:

“This is the only CV that matters
not what you printed,
but what we remember.”

* Ebhohon, a writer and media practitioner, author of the play, The Great Delusion, writes from Benin City – sankara101010@gmail.com